Monstercon From Mars!

Decepticon Pretender Skullgrin is recruited by an unscrupulous movie director and paid in fuel to appear in his next blockbuster, and Circuit Breaker waits in the wings

1980s Marvel US writer Bob Budiansky will always be a legendary name in Transformers. He literally created all the original characters for Hasbro – Optimus Prime, Megatron, Grimlock – you name it, and fleshed out their personalities and backstories. On the comic he’s produced some truly memorable stories like Warrior School, the Matrix saga, The Smelting Pool. Alongside the action, there was always a healthy dose of humour, often involving the human characters.

The flipside of Bob’s genius were the ‘sillier’ ideas like the Car Wash of Doom which almost seemed to be Transformers taking the piss out of itself. Monstercon from Mars is very much in that vein, and like Car Wash it also revolves around an unorthodox method of Decepticons acquiring fuel from human sources.

This story also ties-up the loose end of the ‘Space Hikers’ kids, re-introduces Circuit Breaker after a long absence and works out a practical application for the pointless Pretenders disguises (no small feat).

Bob’s story, which was published in the UK comic in November 1988, is pencilled by his long-term collaborator Jose Delbo, and begins with a robotic with a salivating alien head, menacing a pretty young female. It looks like the set of a crappy 1950s B-movie, and it is (all apart from the era) as the leading man ‘Brick’, aka actor Jake Colton, rushes to the aid of his ‘love’ Celestia.

But then the robot prop blows a fuse, and its head explodes. Rollie Friendly the director screams at the poor old props guy and Jake establishes himself as a rude and rather unpleasant bloke who is deeply dismissive of his co-star Carissa Carr (who as a result wins the reader’s sympathy).

Case in point when Carissa muses, “maybe I should have become a nurse like mother wanted,” and Jake replies, “what a crushing loss to the acting profession that would have been.”

Filming is suspended for three weeks until the main prop can be repaired. Public relations ‘wizard’ Mitch Keno comes to see Rollie and switches on the TV news, where there’s live coverage of a Transformer event. Sky Lynx is returning four children to Earth after an absence of nearly a year (see Space Hikers and the Cosmic Carnival). Mitch hints that perhaps a Transformer could make an adequate movie star (?). It’s a neat way that Bob finds here to bring in Sky-Lynx and the Space Hikers, letting the readers know that they’ve been safely returned to their parents.

Sky Lynx reverts to his familiar (and bizarre) robot-esque mode and is happy to take questions from the media, while Josie ‘Circuit Breaker’ Beller watches from her van a distance away. She’s wearing a trench coat and hat, looking more like a private eye than the circuit coated avenger. The injuries she sustained at the hands of Shockwave (back in the 1985 stories Worse of Two Evils) was so long ago that a recap is needed, particular for any new readers. Bob has got very good at summarising her back story into four short panels.

Sky Lynx, sadly, falls foul of protestors and is pelted with rocks and hate, forcing him to flee, as the kids shed a tear. It demonstrates that Transformers are still very much misunderstood and feared by the public, a theme since Bob’s very first stories.

Mitch has got another idea for Rollie – Bigfoot sightings have been reported in the paper and perhaps this creature would make a decent film star? (Stop laughing ok!!) Most people would usher the guy out the office by this point, but Rollie decides he may as well do a bit of backpacking on the off chance he might find Bigfoot! Deary me. And orders Jake and Carissa to jump in the jeep and accompany him and Mitch.

At the foothills of the Great Smokies in North Carolina, the film crew, run into an army cordon and can go no further. So, Rollie pays a cash-stricken farmer to show them the way. An hour later, in a clearing full of toppled trees and crushed homes, a gigantic monster confronts them – it’s the Decepticon Pretender Skullgrin, he kicks over the camera crew’s van. Once Rollie realises the monster can talk he uses his smooth talking to strike a deal.

A quick recap from days earlier sees Skullgrin being sent to Earth by Scorponok to locate a fuel source for the eventual Decepticon landing (apparently his shell is durable enough to withstand a trip through Earth’s atmosphere without burning up). The commander hadn’t stipulated how to secure that source, so Skullgrin decides to work for his living (very un-Decepticon-like you would think). In no time at all Skullgrin is gracing the cover of magazines and being billed as a ‘star’, even attracting his own fandom.

In the second, half Jake Colton’s ego is threatened by Skullgrin’s success, and Circuit Breaker’s instincts that there may be a robot connection with the Skullgrin phenomenon is piqued when she sees a fleet of Blackrock tankers visiting the movie set. In a rather daft moment, Skullgrin is sent out to do a press conference and loses his rag with the media’s accusatory line of questioning. He starts smashing up the set and sending everyone running, until Carissa intervenes.

It seems Skullgrin has a sweet spot for Carissa, or as Rollie puts it like a ‘real-life beauty and the beast’ story. However, I can’t believe the media is just accepting that this is a real-life talking monster!

Carissa, being a kind-hearted soul, takes pity on the wheelchair-bound Circuit Breaker, who is being ushered away by security, along with the rest of the visitors. They have a brief chat in which Circuit Breaker claims to be a big Skullgrin fan and Carissa lets slip that they will be filming tomorrow at the Grand Canyon.

The next day filming continues as normal, with Jake delivering cheesy and slightly sexist lines. Carissa gets changed into her casual wear and tells the Skullgrin how good it feels to be plain old ‘Ethel Stankiewicz’ again (her real name – not surprising she uses Carissa Carr) and Skullgrin exudes even more unlikely sentimentality and decides to share his secret and pops out of his shell to show off his robot mode.

I have to say, I much prefer the way the shells divide in the comic (down the middle as opposed to the front and back of the toy) and Skullgrin’s robot mode looks much better here than the spindly toy I once owned.

Circuit activates her armour, springs out of her wheelchair and unleashes a huge burst of electricity against Skullgrin. Carissa is shocked when she realises it’s the woman in the wheelchair and angry because SHE told her where Skullgrin would be. Rollie, meanwhile, orders his cameramen and Jake to start filming.

Skullgrin operates his shell by radio control and has it swing a sword at Circuit Breaker. Clearly there are some advantages to being a Pretender (beyond an unconvincing disguise) as it doubles the fighting force. As Skullgrin transforms to vehicle mode and lines up his shrapnel blasters, Circuit Breaker radio commands the Pretender shell to attack its owner.

A stray shot results in the cliff Carissa was standing on crumbling. Skullgrin (having recombined with his shell) hears her cries for help but thinks she betrayed him by leading Circuit Breaker there. Finally, he is persuaded by his Circuit Breaker’s admission that she tricked Carissa and he plucks her to safety. Rollie hollers to her to finish the monster off and he’ll ‘make her a star’ but this only incenses her to unleashes on the cameras and destroys the footage.

She departs leaving the greedy producer with nothing to show for his trouble, and presumably the end of Skullgrin’s brief tenure as a movie star.

In closing, there is a lot of cliché, slapstick and humour (make up people talking about sandblasting Skullgrin’s nails and powdering his horn for example) but this story is better enjoyed if you don’t take it seriously and just go with it. Bob is either run short of ideas or reaching a point where he’s no longer too fussed.

On the other hand, it can’t be easy to find ways to integrate Transformers whose disguises are gigantic monsters into an Earth setting without straying into Bigfoot (and later) King Kong type territory. It’s nice to see Circuit Breaker back, rather than forgotten about, although she’s still as stubborn and annoying as ever (amazingly though, she’s attacking a Decepticon for once).

Skullgrin and his friendship with Carissa does come across as likeable and genuine, though mercifully less erotic than Skids getting his hubcaps buffed by Charlene! He even seems to care for such things as making an arrangement to secure fuel where “nobody gets hurt” which suggests a bit more depth of character than the average Decepticon.

Overall, the story is hardly a classic, but its fun and I enjoyed more than I thought I would. Elsewhere in the comic, Action Force is back as the second strip, meaning Visionaries is out already. And Marvel UK is heavily promoting Simon Furman’s new Death’s Head monthly title.

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Dry Run!

Cyclonus and Scourge call on Shockwave to form an alliance, only for their stupidity to land them in a fight for their lives against the ultimate opponent

THA-KUNCH! The sound of an uppercut from a mystery assailant that leaves Galvatron damaged and disorientated. He retreats to prepare a particle cannon blast, but takes a drop-kick and is blown to bits by a Fusion Cannon blast – Fraddam! It’s all over in 10 seconds. Megatron is victorious!

It’s fair to say that Dry Run, the 1988 story from Marvel UK (scripted by Dan Abnett, using a plot by Simon Furman), makes a dramatic entrance. Long-time readers will have been aware that Galvatron is the most powerful Decepticon there is. Created by a god (Unicron) during the Transformers Movie, he’s said to be the ultimate enhancement of Megatron – more powerful, more durable, more cunning. Yet here getting his ass kicked by his less powerful former self. What gives?

Simon Furman’s masterpiece Target: 2006 introduced readers to the concept of facsimile constructs – automated fake Transformers used in combat training. So, it’s not a surprise that Galvatron we’ve just witnessed getting ripped to bits is a fake, and I cannot imagine that Megatron could dispatch the real Galvatron with the same effortless ease. Nevertheless, Shockwave is pleased.

Since Enemy Action, earlier in the year, he’s been paranoid that Galvatron, who fled 2006 to hide out in ‘present day’ Earth (the 1980s as was), is out to steal his command. And not wanting to take him on directly, Shockwave had recovered the non-functional Megatron from his watery grave in the Thames and reprogrammed him into an obedient agent of destruction.

In the US ‘master’ continuity Shockwave burned up in Earth’s orbit after a space battle with Fortress Maximus (see Desert Island of Space) and the ambitious Ratbat very rapidly jumped into his seat (Shockwave would resurface on the beach at Blackpool in a later US story, creating a continuity faux pas).

In the UK comic, the fall to Earth was less of a big deal. Shockwave dusted himself off and regrouped to the original Decepticon base, Fortress Sinister, to continue his machinations. One of these would have been dealing with the Galvatron situation. However, if he’s worried about threats to his command, Ratbat ought to be the immediate problem.

As Shockwave muses the possibility of testing Megatron against more substantial opposition, he watches Cyclonus and Scourge on the monitor. These two refugees from the future are waiting in the hall, having come to Shockwave for his protection following their abortive attack on Galvatron (they confronted their former boss, Galvatron, in Wrecking Havoc hoping to steal his time travel device).

It’s debatable what protection Shockwave can provide, seeing as he seems to be on his own in the fortress – the rest of his Decepticon army is with Ratbat.

Cyclonus is on edge. He’s uncomfortable about cosying up to Shockwave, who was their hated commander in 2008 and who they subsequently executed (well, Death’s Head did the deed, but with their help). This was in the very excellent Legacy of Unicron part 2 of course. Scourge seems to be thinking more clearly, though that’s not saying much.

Within seconds of Shockwave entering the room and letting them know they’ll be serving him, Cyclonus is ‘triggered’. He calls Shockwave a “pompous, overbearing fool” and goes further – much further – by letting slip that they are destined kill him in the future and take his command. It’s such a ridiculously dumb and unnecessary outburst, like he’s developed the robot equivalent of tourettes syndrome! Scourge is furious.

The response is predictable: a volley of fire from Shockwave (who manages to miss, despite being at point blank range) as Cyclonus and Scourge scatter. The hapless pair unite with their Targetmaster Nebulans, Nightstick and Fracas, and return fire (also misfiring!). What happens next is entirely foreseen…

Shockwave appears with Megatron, instructing him that these are two ‘lieutenants of the hated Galvatron’ and must be destroyed, he’s happy to oblige. Cyclonus and Scourge are shocked and surprised – first Cyclonus is hit by a Fusion Cannon blast, and Scourge is pummelled and thrown against a wall.

Cyclonus, getting throttled, opens fire at point-blank range but Megatron only seems to become more enraged. He crushes Nightstick (surely fatal for the Nebulan) and threatens to crush Cyclonus, who screams for Scourge to help.

Scourge, on his knees, lines up Megatron with Fracas on full power to unleash a fatal blast. Then he thinks of the timeline, if Megatron dies might that mean that he can’t become Galvatron in 2006, and Cyclonus and Scourge might cease to exist as well. It’s a fascinating conundrum, and one that Scourge is not willing to test. He reverts to his jet mode and flees the fortress with Fracas, leaving poor old Cyclonus – the guy who was once able to throttle Megatron in Target: 2006 – to be terminated by Megatron tearing his head off.

In deep space the ‘heavens scream’ as a tear in space time is formed. Decapitation in a kids’ comic, well why not? It’s happened before, to Optimus Prime during the ‘Creation Matrix saga’ of 1985, and Scorponok’s head is severed by Highbrow in the 1988 Annual story All in the Minds. Neither of these died so Cyclonus seems to have been very unlucky in this instance!

In epilogue, Shockwave has decided that Megatron has proven himself ready to take on the main target. Human media reports a mechanoid answering Galvatron’s description running riot through a nearby settlement. Shockwave dispatches Megatron to find the “impostor who claims to be descended from you” and destroy him! And so, the stage is set for that irresistible reckoning, in the 1988 Transformers Annual (on sale now, naturally). It’s a good piece of marketing.

This issue is part of a major story arc that Simon Furman has been weaving in the UK comics since Fallen Angel (way back issue #101) where Galvatron fled to Earth’s past. We’ve since had Cyclonus and Scourge travel back (further disrupting time) and now the death of one of them nearly 20 years before his creation. This resulting rift in space-time is apparently the cause of the destruction of the Quintesson planet, as seen recently in the Space Pirates saga.

(Why the rift should form half the galaxy away at the Quintesson planet rather than at source is a curious question – there they are minding their own business, staging gruesome executions, and a rift that’s nothing to do with them shows up to destroy everything).

The comic is still being printed on the lower quality paper, but thankfully with eight of the 24 pages on glossy, including the cover. This is important as the tip in physical quality is unsettling. I remember thinking at the time that it was a sign of cost cutting and maybe the comic was losing sales and might be about to fold. In fact, it would survive until early 1993, though resorting to black and white and reprints along the way, which would test the loyalty of readers.

What happens when Megatron and Galvatron meet is told in the Annual story Altered Image.

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Firebug!

A gremlin-like creature with a fondness for arson arrives from space and sets a human town ablaze, as Inferno, Broadside and Sandstorm investigate

“Shorter but no less shocking,” is how the introduction to UK Transformers #188 describes it’s 11-page story, Firebug. It appeared in print in October 1988, straight after Simon Furman’s Space Pirates saga which culminated with the colossus, Metroplex, stomping on Sharkticons and the Quintesson planet blowing up!

After that, whatever followed was likely to be more sedate, regardless of the comic’s claims to the contrary, but a change of pace is no bad thing.

The first thing to notice about this issue is the dip in paper quality. As a guy in my school rather crudely put it: “It’s been printed on bog roll!” He had been collecting since the early days like I had but gave the comic up soon after. He had probably grown out of comics, but the recent run of poor stories wouldn’t have helped.

For whatever reason, being busy or just bringing forward new talent, Furman is credited with the plot and has delegated the actual writing duties to newcomer Dan Abnett. It’s the first time Simon has not been credited as the writer of a UK story in the weekly comic since I think Mike Collins did Crisis of Command in 1986.

It’s a gentle easing into franchise for Abnett, with a fairly throwaway tale about a space gremlin who starts fires and provides a challenge for our resident fire engine Inferno (last seen meeting his making in an exploding spaceship in 2008, this is his earlier ‘present day’ self). The Firebug character has not appeared in Transformers before and won’t do so again, so I suspect he was just brought in this one time as an obvious nemesis for the big red fire engine Autobot.

On the plus side, it’s nice that Inferno is finally making appearances in the comic. He was part of the 1985 Hasbro toy line, very much yesterday’s news for the toymaker which has moved on to Headmasters, Powermasters, Pretenders and the like, so it’s good that this older character has featured.

Sandstorm and Broadside are his companions, and Broadside seems to spend chunks of the story being bickering with the other two, despite being the team leader. Following an intro page where a meteor impacts near Mt St Hilary in Oregon (naturally) overnight, the Autobot trio landed the following day.

They’ve been sent by Emirate Xaaron, the elder and commander of the Autobot forces on Cybertron to set up a permanent reconnaissance post (you would think Xaaron has enough on his plate on Cybertron without worrying about Earth). They cloak the ship and make a joke about remembering where they parked, which feels like it’s been nicked from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.

Inferno teases pokes fun at the Wreckers’ last visit to Earth to take down Galvatron which turned into a disaster when they materialised in a human settlement (this time it’s old-fashioned travel by spaceship). Broadside getting touchy and squaring up to Inferno is not a great look for a unit commander. Sandstorm intervenes.

The orange triple-changer then goes off to investigate smoke in the distance. Even though they are not permitted to get involved in human affairs (sounding even more like Trek) he’s itching for some action. Inferno isn’t going – once you’ve seen the “molten heart of a star” Earth fires are minor league. Nice point.

Sandstorm finds a small town ablaze and a major emergency in progress. Broadside agrees they will have to step in. This gives Inferno an opportunity to do the firefighting he’s well equipped for, until Broadside catches a glimpse of something in a burning building. It turns out to be Firebug, a native of Furnacia, who feeds on high temperatures and likes combustible matter (Earth is rich pickings).

There’s a bit of humour from the writer about the nomadic Firebugs having ended up on an ice world “with predictably disastrous results,” Inferno notes.

This Firebug is fast and easily evades the Autobot trio’s clumsy attempts to capture him. I did laugh at the frames where Sandstorm fires his Silica Gun and melts a Ford Fiesta (not too many of those in Oregon I’d bet, though they were common to the UK back then). After dodging fireballs and bumping into each other, the Autobots team up to pin the Firebug down and extinguish his flame.

But what to do with their captive? They resolve to stuff him in a message pod (no radio messages then?) and blast him off to Mercury where the surface temperatures of 400 degrees C prove to be just the ticket. All’s well that ends well, and to fair to the Firebug, he’s not a villain but is just doing what his race does to survive, that’s burning things! In summary, not a bad little story but not destined to be a classic. Dan Abnett will get a chance to sink his teeth into something more consequential in the next story, Dry Run, which features the return of Megatron.

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Space Pirates (parts 4, 5 and 6)

The Autobots and Decepticons team-up to repel the Quintesson invasion of Cybertron, and Metroplex is awakened to fight them on Earth

In 2008, the Quintesson home world (Quintessa?) is being torn apart by gravitational forces, making it necessary for them to expedite an invasion of Cybertron. Fearful that the Matrix of Leadership could thwart them, they have laid waste to Autobot City Earth and set a trap for Rodimus Prime, who is of course the bearer and keeper of the Matrix in this post Transformers Movie era.

Transformers #185 from Marvel UK, published in the Autumn of 1988, contains part 4 of Simon Furman’s story. Dougie Braithwaite is again credit with the art. His style is not quite to my taste but has its moments. One such scene is the defeated Autobots hanging from the city walls like a medieval or biblical display (the dead bodies of criminals being hung up as a warning). It’s one of the standout moments of Space Pirates, which is otherwise quite average as far as Furman’s “future” epics go.

The next phase of the Quintesson masterplan is underway as the Decepticon commander Soundwave leads his airborne army into a trap. He’s normally a wily operator but has been completely fooled by the Quintesson’s fake plea for help, claiming that the Autobots were attacking their home planet. Soundwave should have known something was suss, as attacking worlds is not something Autobots do, but instead he saw an opportunity to strike at the Autobot base while the bulk of their forces would be absent.

Aboard Astrotrain with his team leaders, Soundwave is boasting of his impending success, pride before a fall and all that. Just in the Movie, Astrotrain can massively increase his size when is in plane or train mode, enough to accommodate numerous colleagues with room to spare.

They are attacked by Quintesson tridents and forced to bail out (Astrotrain reverts into a normal sized robot and joins the counterattack), it dawns on Soundwave that he has been played. Elsewhere, Wreck-Gar and Wheelie continue to deal with a heavily damaged ship and set a course for a remote asteroid. Both are still being as annoying as ever, talking TV and in rhyme. As I’ve said before, it must be a real pain for the writer to come up with their dialogue.

On Cybertron, Ultra Magnus and Blaster’s cassette, Eject, receive a distress call of unknown origin, which is of course from Soundwave. This suggests the two enemy camps are likely to join forces to repel the invading Quintessons. Surely there would have been ample Decepticon reinforcements to call on though? Their base may have been pinned down, but it’s a planet full of Transformers! The Quints should be massively outnumbered.

Part four ends on a decent enough cliff-hanger, with Rodimus arriving on Earth and whopping out the Matrix to heal the battered up Arcee, only to get ambushed by the Quintessons and one of them to fly away with the sacred bauble. With it out of reach, Prime shrinks and reverts to Hot Rod! A bad situation has got massively worse.

Elsewhere in the issue, there’s an opportunity to win one of three Trypticon toys (usually only available in the US). It’s a nifty prize and of course I entered the competition back in the day. Never won of course.

Lee Sullivan takes over the art for the final two instalments, depicting a very toothy Hot Rod and pliable faces for his robots, which I didn’t care for much at the time (the style has grown on me since). The final splash page with Metroplex is among his best work however and still looks very cool today.

Hot Rod and Arcee burn rubber away from hordes of Quintesson soldiers, bringing the ceiling down to cover their escape. General Ghyrik is scene watching various monitor screens, with the Matrix dangling from his pincher arm.

In need of reinforcements, Hot Rod and Arcee abseil down to the stricken Blaster (still unconscious and suspended from the city walls) and recover his cassettes. We previously saw Rewind, Ramhorn and Steeljaw in the 1986 Transformers Movie and it’s an exciting ‘fanboy’ moment with them making their comic’s debut.

On Cybertron, the Decepticons are still getting their asses whooped. Soundwave himself nearly falls foul of a Quintesson trooper sneaking up behind him, when Ultra Magnus arrives and blows the would-be assassin away. Salvation has arrived apparently, even though the ‘reinforcements’ only appear to comprise of Magnus, Eject and three of the Technobots (hardly a game changer).

Wreck-Gar and Wheelie bail out of their smoking shuttle on to a large asteroid where other Junkions are waiting with a transmitter, presumably to warn the universe of the Quintessons’ plans. To be honest it only really involves the Cybertronians and they have by now got a pretty good idea that they are under attack.

After some nice panels of the cassettes in pitched battle, part 5 concludes with Hot Rod successfully awakening the sleeping giant at the heart of Autobot City (and the reason it can transform) – with Metroplex bursting out of the ground. I dare say at this point, Hot Rod seems to be a much smarter and more effective than Rodimus was, which is a bit ironic.

The elements are all in place for a major Quintesson rout in the final part, which unfortunately takes the tension out of the story. Metroplex has apparently woken from his five year slumber like a bear with a sore head (usually a long sleep produces the opposite effect), and swats the invaders like insects.

General Ghyrik watches aghast, but he still has the Matrix, and this could yet give him a winning advantage. He goes off to retrieve it with Hot Rod following, fearful that the Matrix could be ‘perverted’ to the cause of evil (considering it would not open for Galvatron, a Decepticon, this seems unlikely).

Ghyrik gets a power boost from the Matrix and beats up Hot Rod, who is suffering from a nasty case of self-doubt, ‘wondering why the Matrix chose him’ until he predictably snaps out of it, snatches back the sacred talisman and restores himself as Rodimus Prime. He throws Ghyrik off the roof of Autobot City and leaves him a spectacular mess on the floor below!

On Cybertron, Magnus, now annoyingly drawn to the same proportions as Soundwave (when toy-wise he’s twice the size) work together to mop up the invading forces. Soundwave’s moment in the aftermath, where he considers that the two factions could perhaps reconcile, is a fascinating moment of what if. But he concludes that it would never work, there’s too much water under the bridge.

Finally, Wreck-Gar and the Junkions broadcast the Quintessons’ invasion plans to all of their would-be targets, leaving this soon-to-be extinct race without a card to play (all of which seems pretty vindictive). Finally, Quintessa is torn apart, with Lord Kledji threatening revenge (this would be the last time they appear in the comic though). We learn that Autobot scientists will soon discover that the planet’s demise was the result of a ‘rapidly expanding rift’ in the fabric of time and space… setting the scene for the next epic, the 1989 year’s opener Time Wars.

It’s interesting to note the clues as to the state of the comics market evidenced in Transformers #187. The first and last four pages are on the regular paper, and the rest of the book on what I would now call recycled paper. It’s a cheaper type and suggestive of the rising prices of paper, pushing up costs in the market.

At the same time, it appears that Marvel UK’s rapid expansion is coming apart. The weekly Action Force title has folded, followed by Visionaries (who’s final stories are being concluded in Transformers in the back up slot) and an advert for the Thundercats comic reveals it is amalgamating/absorbing the doomed Galaxy Rangers title. Elsewhere there’s plugs for Doctor Who Magazine, Dragon’s Claws (both of which I collected) and an upcoming Death’s Head title.

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